go do what you do best...puke behind churches
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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