I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
