the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
