I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
