Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and she was petting her beer can
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
