smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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