You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
