First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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