well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
