WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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