naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
