Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
