watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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