I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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