i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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