if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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