the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize