Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
