I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
