I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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