So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
