Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
