When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
