her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
