I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
