He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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