So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize