I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
