You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
there was a trapeze. enough said
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
