Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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