dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize