Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
