Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
