Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
