hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
