The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Randomize
