If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
