The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
