decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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