And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
