Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
