Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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