Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
