the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
