my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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