I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
How's work?
Spinning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize