i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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