i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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