The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is Oprah even human
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
