dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
