Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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