In the future we'll all be gay
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
