she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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