just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
