I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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