I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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