pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
